Dependence, and old age
A quick browse at the top ten fears runs something like this – public speaking, confined spaces, heights etc. In fact, the Boston Globe has a list that looks something like this:
Speaking in public
Snakes
Confined spaces
Heights
Spiders
Tunnels & bridges
Crowds
Public transportation (especially planes)
Storms
Water (as in swimming & drowning, not drinking)
The surprising thing is that old age and death are not part of the list. I’d thought that people would fear old age and death more.
Me, I don’t fear death. A fear of death is a sign of a life unfulfilled. If I fear death, it is because I feel as though I could have done so much more, and that my life journey is too short to have completed everything that I want to do.
No, I fear something worse. I fear old age. I fear dependence. I fear that there will come a time where I am incapable of wiping my own ass, changing my own clothes, moving under my own power. I hate having to be at the mercy of the milk of human kindness. A visit to the Cheshire Home reinforced that perspective.
To see the residents of the home being wheeled about, utterly dependent on the volunteers and staff of the home, is terrifying to behold, because it is a stark reminder of what shall befall me in the distant future.
The day I have to rely on someone for my life, is the day a part of me dies. It represents a loss of my independence and vitality. Morrie Schwartz had to learn to appreciate dependence. I have not reached that stage yet, so I cannot say. Maybe as the time comes I will learn to take it in my stride. But for now, old age will always be my topmost fear.
